Friday, June 2, 2017

Letters you will never recieve.

Dear J,

So it has come to this. Finally a tipping point to make you realise just how much of a liability I am. It makes all the fun things we did seem false and the effort you put in like it was in vain. I feel quite disgusting thinking I need you in my bed right now. I don't think it's normal to want to make love to someone after not wanting to live at all and the possibility of succeeding was there in some small percentage.  I keep saying sorry. But im not. I just don't know what else to say to you. But I may even I feel sorry for you for what I did. I feel bad more than sorry. But saying sorry after you've been bad doesn't make sense does it.

As you can tell I need help. You think I don't love you after me doing what I did my that I say it now and it doesn't mean anything to you. I broke you. I broke you many times. Broke your heart and made you feel wanted. I didn't consider your feelings. I wasn't even thinking of them. That's a display of my ignorance. I can see that. It doesn't mean I don't love you. I love you and I don't love myself. I need to fix it. Im here alive. Stop treating me like I'm dead please. Im alive and i need you. I needed you. I always did. That's why I chose you.

You dont like xs and os.
From me.

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Long time no post

Hi there,

I thought I'd better update this, it seems to be a bit of waste of space to me this page, but I suppose its kind of handy. Its also a bit embarrasing reading my old posts. I started to write this about four years ago with aspirations of being a writer. Anyone can be a writer. Anyway that never happened, I decided to become a nurse instead, because it is a challenge, and I'm not sure I'm that great at writing anyway. But I will say that I was taught how to write and edit my work while I was in primary school, big ups to my teacher for teaching me how to write like a pro.
 So in 2013 i decided I wanted to be a nurse and I started my journey mid 2013 doing a foundation skills course at the Waiariki Institue of Technology. I passed with flying colours and now I am in my second year of nursing. Please note I skipped the first year all the gory details of my first year in study because it was horrible. it deserves its own post. This is just an update because I feel the need. I am finding it quite difficult to manage all the leftover paperwork from my previous years study its ridiculous, so my mission is to somehow organise it. I am in need of a proffessional student guru who can tell me how they managaed to either save, throw away and organised their essential pieces of hard work aka notes and handouts. It is driving me crazy. I suppoose I should think about what I am actually going to need at the end of my study because this is after all the beginning of my proffessional career and all this stuff is either going to be relevant or irrelevnt right? But I am sure ith my research skills I am going to adopt along the way I will be able to find the information I need.... So I should just throw away the clutter....

 I'm officially a horarder of paper stuff. Feel free to give me some sound advice.


Thursday, November 25, 2010


 I have found that when you live your life, you work to either help others - or not, there is no "in-between".

Friday, November 5, 2010

Oyster anyone?

Constantly I am being reminded of my "youthfullness". With being a youth, it means I have a lot to offer, I know nothing, and I can't be set in my ways because there hasn't been enough time for my "ways" to set. Which means that I am the perfect type of person for older people to put upon their  advice.  I'm sure I have heard the same advice more than once, but it is very much appreciated.
"The world is your oyster. You are young and pretty and smart, don't let it go to waste aye"
So many people have said  that to me. 
 Right now though we find ourselves at that in-between stage where you aren't a kid and then you aren't really an adult either. I like to think in some cases I'm  "kid" , and in others I'm an adult, for example if I was to go out for the night I'd expect not to be waited on, because I am "of age" by law, and whether the people that are meant to be responsible for us like it or not, we are in fact responsible for our own actions, no matter how absurd they may be, we can only save ourselves. 
 In the case where I would be seen as a child or even when it is acceptable, is when I am in a situation where I am out-numbered by people who are older than me. Which usually puts me in a position instantly where my manners are on the money, and I am on my best behaviour, and keep my foul language to a minimum or none at all.I guess this seems to happen to people no matter how old they are.
 It is very hard to let the older adults know what we are faced with when it comes to making decisions about our lifes journey.
 For some of us independance comes naturally, we are not co-dependant, and we can manage pretty well on our own. For the rest of us it is hard to understand the realities of life outside a home environment. We may find it hard to be independant but what we lack in independance we may have strengths in other areas. With the independant ones, we may find a lack of skill somewhere else.
  The thing that comes to my mind is, "I know it is a wonderful thing if you know the oyster has the pearl in it", in reply to 'the world is your oyster....'. And one day I know if I get to be old I will not be pretty anymore, do not be surprised if you hear me agreeing when someone says something nice about my appearance, because I know it doesn't last.

Friday, July 30, 2010

Change of heart

And here she is again: still working in Opotiki at her fifth job (I know it sounds bad, but the previous jobs were seasonal, so they were due to end anyway).

>>Down the road, about five minutes drive and a ten minutes scoot, I work at the local dairy, with my cousin and the family that owns it (btw they aren't indian). 
 It may not be the "high-heel" job that I was hoping for, or I might not be able to comment on someone's, "small-but-not-really-bum", but (haha) I get to serve the locals and meet new people everyday! I think that is time well spent.

Randomly>It is also calving season; I am helping rear a few angus cows and jersey bulls. It is interesting/hard work, and it takes a lot of thought. But you only get to see the result at the end, and so far it has proven to  be a learning curb, and the lesson applies to more than farming.

So I am going to take the opportunity to become a "tourist", in my home city. I want to go clubbing for the first time, and go bowling at the lanes, take a walk back to Te Papa, and see what I can learn. I can go to Civic Square, and have a look at the City Art Gallery, and see what new/old artist has come to show themselves off. I would like to go out to dinner to that restaurant I remember walking past on the way to school, and go onto the waterfront to go rock-climbing. That sounds like a holiday that deserves an itinerary. 

Yes! I am off to Wellington, (but only for the week), and it will be interesting to see how my perspective of things have changed.
  When I was living in Wellington, I didn't do a lot of constructive things; I would work,  go out and get drunk, and do stupid things with stupid people- that was about it. I never really embraced the city I said I loved so much.              

By the way I have gained about 7 kgs, since January this year, which is good. I don't look fat though... which takes me back. Maybe all those chocolate bar/ mag combos were serving their purpose after all...I think I needed a few extra kgs anyway. Which is cool because now I get my mags for free (except the cover, but it's what's on the inside that counts right?).

Yeah Oh, I'm sure I'll go and see some of the people I used to hang out with......but I wouldn't want them to see me in my size ten jeans ;P

That's all for now folks!

Saturday, June 26, 2010

High-heel jobs

Well, it has been a slow year for me, I travelled up to the Eastern Bay, and found myself working for the locals in Opotiki.
I've ventured up here from Wellington to discover and experience "the things I do not want to do with my time".

I have worked in a bar and restaurant, orchards, and given my uncle a hand at plumbing too, except, I don't think cleaning up waste that has come up from the toilet is something I want to do. In fact I do not want to work in a bar, or in an orchard.
At 18 this has proven to be a very valuable lesson.

I want to work in a building filing documents, writing letters, opening mail, receiving and making phone calls & doing research while wearing high heels.
Or even folding clothes, and saying "your bum looks good in those jeans", even though it doesn't, dressing mannequins, making up display windows while wearing high heels.

I'm the type of girl that can sit and read a fashion magazine all-day while eating junk food and not get fat. So why would I want to spent the rest of my days in a place where I feel like I may contract a disease? When I can be out there, quoting July's issue of Cosmopolitan, and seek out what this months 'It' girl wore, for that customer?

Working in a small town like this makes you work out what your potential is, where you feel most comfortable, and what you most enjoy and the reasons for it. You see people who have worked here, slaving away at the job they have been in for years because they have no choice but to be there.I for one do not want to be one of those people.

I now know what suits me, because I definitely know what doesn't.