New Beginnings, but where to start

 It has been some time since I posted about high heel jobs, having an affair and all that stuff.

Currently I am back with my, and I am working at foursquare. So much has happened these past few years, I couldn't possibly put it all in this post. But I think I should just look forward instead of backwards. 

My daughter is now nine years old. I am still not qualified in anything  - well kind of, like I don't have a formal qualification from a University. At the moment I am looking at doing a course to become a legal executive. I don't know why I am doing it or why I've chosen it, but to me it just seems like the best option to get a qualification worth talking about online, from a reputable provider. I want to take my time with it and just do two papers to begin with to build up some momentum and so not to overwhelm myself with being a Mum and working part-time. 

I see Opotiki as a place of growth, I have been here for ten years now and I have had many experiences, some better than others, but I've definitely learnt new things and gained more skills. I'm trying to create a mindset where I am okay to press the reset button, and start something fresh - hence the applying to Open Polytechnic to do a legal executive course. I have to start somewhere and I am at an age where I am mature enough to take things slowly and learn as I go. With phlebotomy it was okay, but I felt huge pressure to succeed and it didn't do me any good. For me succeeding in silence works best, instead of talking about it, it's best just to be about it and do it. That way there is less pressure and less expectations, less questions about progress altogether. I'm good at caring about what people think and this tends to hinder my motivation, because i feel like i am no longer doing it for myself anymore but other people. 

Anyway, Opotiki is a place where a lot of things are happening, and the future looks a little bright. If I want to create opportunities for myslef i have to be in a position to be able to take them, and one of the ways i can prepare myself is getting a qualification. Being a legal exeutive doesnt necessarily mean i work in a law office, but it means i will have a chance to work in government, in companies, property development and courts. I want to be in a position where i have the ticket and then i can grow from there. i have learnt that i can't work and learn at the same time its too stressful. Even though i will be working at foursquare itll be easier because its unrelated and i won't have he pressure from my boss to perform at work and study in order to be competent.  

I hope that the opportunities that arise, are meant for me somehow, or that I will be in a position to take hold of them and not be overwhelmed. I want to be able to put the work in now to prepare me for later. The reason why i dont want to dive in right now is because i had a nervous breakdown last year and i dont want to stress myself out. I could easily try and rearrange my cv and find a job in a law office somewhere but i dont want to set myself up to fail. I just want to focus on slowly getting to where i need to be and being able to put in a reasonable amount of effort in all areas of my life. in the past its either been work or study or being a mum that took precedent in my life not all three at the same time. and now is that time for all three to have equal measure in my life. It sounds like an ideal situation, to be employed, be a good mum and study at the same time. I just hope im not dreaming. i suppose if the time i spend looking at social media i can be spending on study then it doesn't sound so bad. I just hope that i can enjoy the journey. 

I guess, the goal is to pass the qualification, and then eventually things will fall into place. I just want to be able to say I have a qualification and this is it. I'm a legal executive - or whatever I haven't even been accepted yet. I am so good at repeating myself but I think what i mean is i hope this is all worth it actually. I need to make sure that the next move im making is going to be a good one. I guess, im not doing anything wrong with applying anyway no harm done at all - I just hope i can actually grab the opportunity and see it through. i feel that i will. I bought a laptop and a printer for a candle company i wanted to start but ive put it on hold becuase its so expensive. At least this way I'll have anathor use for it - to study. Yay me.